and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
