I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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