you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
