I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
