I cannot find my penis.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
