dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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