Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
