Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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