in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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