thus making me awesome and them whores
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
