I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
