he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
