i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
