Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
