there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
