i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
