3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
