Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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