my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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