I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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