Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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