Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.