Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
