He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
