If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
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the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize