every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
