When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
