We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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