It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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