I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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