Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
