the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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