So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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