Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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