how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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