Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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