She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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