Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
