Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
