Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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