P.S. I can't hear my feet
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
