We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
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things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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