Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
