Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize