I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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