broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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