She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
