Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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