My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
