No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
