filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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