Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
there is glitter all over my balls
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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