My sheets look like a crime scene.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
