My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
