You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize