I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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