I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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