Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
