Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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