I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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