I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
