I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
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Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
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This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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